Away from Here

Don’t ask why I have my ears plugged

I’d rather not be here, rather not see or talk with you

Don’t ask if I’m fine either

We both know you don’t care, and trust me, that’s absolutely fine

As a child, I spent my siesta in tears, happy tears

I’d imagine the worst and cry but yet I was happy

Now it’s all happening.  I have been here before!

But still, for the enormity of my sorrows, I am unprepared

Like every pain, I say, soon it shall pass

When I take a step into happiness my planet shifts

Who have I wronged, why is my universe upset?

I need another life; this bag of tears soon shall fail

I’d wish the pain disappears

I’d hope I don’t get stabbed by the hand I loved

I’d hope my mind will stay in the present

But I quit hoping... I know it’s all a dream

Whatever the end is… The end of pain or of dust

It will come, and quickly too

For then will peace come and the vanity called life shall be over

And as with my childhood, I’ll find the joy in my sorrow.

From a troubled mind.

From the Heart You once Loved

Rantings of a one time love induced maniac. She's well now though :) I could share your story too if you want ;) PS: Not her Picture!

Exactly a decade and a year ago, at precisely 4:03 PM, while I was busy with my life as usual came this message from the blues "Hi, I have many questions"... Like, was I a teacher? Why must I be asked? Those questions could be directed to another, right? But well... curiosity won the battle... Ask your questions... Ask them "small small" I said. Unknown to me, the questions were more than I could answer, more than I could ever handle. Looking back at my decision that day, I still ask myself... should I have curved him? Should I have entertained those questions... Oh well, I smile and say to myself... It was part of my journey.

It took a week, only a week, for the handshake to get to the elbow and then it was clear, it was a nice pick up line. Thinking now about how things were, even if he hadn't tried, I guess I would have, against the "norm" that ladies shouldn't ask, I certainly would have tried. For it is and was clear, our paths must cross, for a reason or reasons, they had to cross.

It still makes me smile when I remember how beautifully it all began. That feeling you have when you discover that the stalked is also your stalker, when you finally believe you can be yourself without being judged, when it feels like he loves you as much as you love him and there's gonna be an award for the best lover but it didn't matter who won because you both were one? LOL! All that silly gay sh*t kinda love was just too awesome... I can't help the smile now. It was a match made in heaven at last! To be honest, I secretly thanked God every moment for apparently giving me a man of my dreams, I was really happy!

But sadly, it was a dream. A dream I had to wake up from. Too soon even.... Cos even though it lasted a few years, it was nothing close to forever, that was our plan, or maybe that was what I thought. Like a wind of bad luck, what was once so beautiful became covered with darkness. We'd complain and nag, we'd argue and fight, it became more sorrow than joy, greater sadness than happiness. Oh! my pretty little happiness, the reason I existed soon became history, the history I write about today.

For years I wept, and I learnt you did the same. Aren't we both morons? [I just heard you say, ori e, iwo ni moron]. Lol. Like couldn't it just have worked... But nah the script is different... Maybe we both deserve better! Or it was merely another bump in our lives' journey, in the end we'll enjoy the fruits of the land. Finally we've had to dust ourselves up and live life. I heard her name is Toyin, chuckles, extend my regards.

If there's anything I learnt and I'd share with the world, it is that our fantasy love life exists somewhere on this planet... only a few are lucky enough to find theirs. I found mine, I am finding mine... I found mine... and it's going to last forever. Besides that, I'd say... what you give is what you get... sow love, sow understanding, give your best, misery will ruin you "and yours" and finally perfection is in the grave :)

I have had to return to my friends. Some of whom mocked the love we shared, some now laugh cos it's all come to nothing but I smile because I know that if another "Hi, I have many questions" pops up on my phone today, my response would most likely remain as it was a decade and a year ago "ask them, small small".

Happy "would have been a decade" Anniversary! I still love you, but sadly our "love" was not enough :)

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere".