She loves for real [The End]

"I know we can never be together again but I still cry every time." Those were her last words to him, words she said amidst tears, words she muttered with a heavy heart.

There comes a time when I must move on, embrace my pain and move on.

There's a thin line between love and hate, and so I must stop. Before love turns to hate, I'll move on.

I want to hold on to the good memories, that's why I'll stop now, cos all you now do is ruin the beautiful memories I've got.

I can't force you to love me, neither can I make you change your definition of love for my sake. You will change it, oh yes you will, when you find the Queen you heart desires.

It's sad that I poured out my heart in vain, but like a dog destined to be lost, you paid no attention to the pain in  my tears.

My duty was to submit and submit I did, yours was to love but that you kept away, awaiting the one your heart yearns for.

If only you had told me, If only I knew from the start... It was never fair play. You knew the results but you kept it away from me. 

Now we must go our separate ways, I'll leave for a place far away, far enough to help me forget, or maybe you'll leave, leave to pursue your burning passion.

Either ways, we will be apart, maybe then I'll find my life back, maybe then there'll be new meaning to my existence.

Till then, continue to look stunning, I'll be proud you once called me your own. Let your suits always remain radiant, let the girls all wiggle around you.

For me, I'll pray, pray that your joy you may find, and that you don't with your own hand throw away the happiness you so earnestly desire.

And when we see again, I pray I'll have my braids on and then you'll know that my Crown again I've found.

Till then and beyond, I'll always love you. Good bye.

PS - This three part series is based on a true life story... From her to you.

She loves for real [Part 2]

It's hard to smile when all you really do is cry
Harder to stay strong when I'm all broken inside.

Yesterday you called it quits, today we were in court
It's been 11 weeks since I wrote, 11 weeks of hopes all gone.

While you were in the stands I heard it all
I've been all by myself for a long time now.

Who shall help me beg my crown now
Too late to cry over spilt milk they all said.

Reason said to me, how long will you cry?
Sister let him go! You shall find another.

Heart said to me, what else can a maid do?
Cry all you want, your tears may wash off the pain.

Now my strength is gone, all I've done is cry.
All my will is used, heaven I need a hug.

Thinking about us and what we could have been
Don't wake me, this can't all be a dream

I'm sorry for all the wrong I've done
I'm sorry for all the wrong you did.

I'm sorry I wasn't easy to love
I'm sorry you made loving impossible.

I'm sorry you want out
I'm sorry. The blame's all mine.

I've lost something hard to replace
My love is all gone to waste

Is there any for me, among the sons of Adam
Shall I find another, except my hard luck Cain

I am now a stranger to my own self
The pain has made my skin an estranged garment.

My paradise is before my eyes gone
My hair shall remain unkempt till joy again I find.

Path to Failure... [The End]

It's almost a week ago now, I should have been in Ghana for the test, I should have played, slept or maybe worked hard in the hall for 6 hours, I should have had my first taste of Ghanaian party (maybe), I should have brought back some gist for you as promised, and now I'd be hoping to pass or be very certain I'd failed, but those are now should haves and could haves cos here in Lagos I was (and happily too, at least on the test day).

Very sad, I chickened out, lol... but it wasn't because of the fear of the outcome.No! It wasn't because I couldn't have managed to fly on Friday after work. No! It wasn't because I wanted to party with family on Saturday. No! It was because just after I thought I had found my chakra, I lost it. Thursday, 3rd December would qualify as the gloomiest day of my life... at least in a long while... but that was when I decided the test was the least of my worries. I had a lot to let out, and let out I did.

I didn't take the day off, but I practically spent it by myself, letting out as much as I could... as much as I needed to. In the end was I relieved? May be not, but it was all I could do [no need to dwell on this, it doesn't matter now, not anymore, it's in the past... ...fast forward]

Friday was the first time in a while I wanted to be up all night, and the goon was available, I only needed to put a call through. Eventually "we" started out at Ntyce and ended up at Rumours, you don't want the details of all that took place in between but it was a perfect night to forget the week. As we no do exam, we go sha fit party!

Saturday was the baby's sister's birthday plus 34th Anniversary of my old folks, so it was family time. Family time that I would have been robbed of by the yeye test in Accra... So, after recovering from Friday night's moves, I took the two hour trip to the villa in Lagos... joined in the fun, made the folks happy (cos trust me, seeing me in Igando is not a usual occurrence) and that's how the day went. Sigh.

So yea... the path to failure never happened, or at least we never made it to that destination. Sorry I couldn't tell you how the test went as promised, but I will certainly tell you how it goes in the future, come June, maybe and then it would no longer be the path to failure (I hope) but a gist on how easy it went. Till then!

She loves for real

"When a woman loves

She, she loves for real

...

She loves for real (oh)

When a woman loves, loves, loves

I’m telling you when she loves

She, she loves for real"

Even my hands fail me. My memory has become blurry

My sweet poison's gone. If only I'll die by the hand of another

I loved your frame. Your stature made me blush

Your wit was my joy. But it all went wrong

You were my life. You were my all

I was the envy of all maidens. My treasure was all yours

I feared this day. When it'd all be lost

I held on to my priceless piece. Until you came my way

I loved like a mother, I loved as a maid. I cooked your meals, even your bed I made

But these were not enough. It was all about you

I built heaps on your farm. We sported game together

Yet I owe you nothing. Save that wrapper and a little oil

The market women saw my tear. They taught I lost my merchandise

The feared I lost a child. But what I lost was life itself

How could you not notice my pain? How did you not see my tear

I wept like a new born. Sleep has forever departed me

In the nine years that I've known you. Tell me once that my wish came through

Tell me once that you put me first. It was all you or nothing

For 24 days I've cried. I wail cos my treasure's gone

He's taken in another. Without a thought for what I feel

If only you'd love like a woman. Pride wouldn't get in our way.

But no, like the rest of your clan. Your ego beclouds your judgement.

But what shall I do. I'd paint my nails? No!

I'll play with the maids, maybe. But my sorrow like the bottomless pit hollows.

My crown, my king. I pray that you stop, stop and think.

For my heart is heavy, I drown by your hand.

Will this be my end? Will I ever adorn my hair again?

My hair shall not be plait in protest, till my crown again I find.

Path to Failure... [Part 2]

So it's barely 2 days to the D day and a lot has happened :)

Finally got the bosses approval, the only ish is it's dependent on the completion, or at least significant advancement, of the month end close process. Current deal is I'll fly on Friday evening... as a badt guy, I'll be landing just in time for the test.

In the process, though, I had to explain how I got myself into this mess on that sad August 20th...lol. A lil bit of some heart to heart with the boss, weird stuff... Anyways, we sha agreed.

Interestingly too, my Texas Instrument got delivered yesterday. Yet to figure out the machine but really I won't be needing more that the plus and minus sign, or at most, the power function. All that PV, FV, NPV, IRR crap... I'll figure out before June.

And yes! We were to make some progress on the hours, I think have gotten that up to about 13 to 14 in total... skimmed about 60% of the highly condensed FinQuiz materials. This week was meant to be the killer week but then with office work in the way, I guessed that was an overly ambitious target... but yea... there's still tomorrow and Friday. Shouldn't I be studying now? Naaah... the brain's fatigued, there's just no point.

Unfortunately, I lost my chakra... What felt like the beginning of a new era is apparently only a mirage. In my next life, I'd be a Father. Put your emotions to caring & praying for the masses and less privileged, trust me, it's a much better use. Everyone has their better idea of what's good for them... hmmmm... talk for another day....

It's almost 30 mins before Thursday, time to pack & fly home, shouldn't be back here till after we are done failing... I'll come with gist of how we spent the 36 hours in Ghana, the real deal should be after the test (=D). Till then.. ciao.

PS: The goal is to have enough idea to keep busy for 6 hours, will this be achieved? In a few hours I'll know.

#WCE - I miss you

I know you don't like this picture cos your hair looks crazy in it, pele, I like it.

I miss your big, no small, no normal head, I miss you.

Don't worry, next time, I'll use a better picture. A picture that shows less cheek bone and well painted nails, I miss you.

I miss your forehead and I miss your cheeks. I miss you.

Who's been touching them cheeks? Who's been poking your face? I miss you.

I miss your teeth and yay! I miss your smile, I miss you.

Did the grapes cause you smile? Or maybe that peanut butter wafers... "It takes more".

I hope you've been smiling a lot, I see you are stronger than I, I miss you.

"Someday, the pain will not exist; the joy will refuse to leave", I miss you

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I hope we'll be happy again, I miss you.

There's so much light in your smile, I hope we'll be happy for life, I love you.

It's 3 a.m. in the morning and I hope you'll wake up to this, I miss you.

Path to Failure... [Part 1]

Exactly one week after I wrote that incomplete if only thing... I got myself trapped with this exam. It seemed like a perfect escape route... Now, looking back, I wish I didn't have the cash in bank to waste at the time... The money is some plenny sturvs mehn, I swear... it is paining me. I think I simply forgot that registering for an exam was only the first step, you also had to prepare for it and you need a stable mind to do so ...wharefa! I sha registered.

What has happened between August 20 and today? In fact, I’m not sure… but I sha know I've done a lot of “metastudying”, reading about reading. I’ve done this well enough to know that I’m so failing this :) Some popular themes from these studies have shown the following:

• That you need about 300 hours of studying, and that doesn’t guarantee a pass
• That thinking you will fail makes you fail
• That there’s no shortcut…lol

So with 8 days to go, 4 of which would be spent on intense month end close work and some hours on another yeye coded official project, I can only laugh at myself…

Not like I haven’t read at all, there are 10 topic areas with different weights. I have spent at least 4 hours trying to make some sense of derivatives (5%) and about an hour on FRA (20%), so at least, that’s something, only that it’s a lot of nothing compared to the something I should have done by now :(

The honest truth though is that I had given up on taking the exam. It makes sense to limit the loss to exam fee, why incur flight & hotel costs in addition? Kudos to Comic Bishop, my Chief Encouager, he told me everything I would have told someone else in the same position “sha goan write it… you have already paid… and you may pass o!” That reminds me, I sent money to Jolo to help get the calculator for the rubbish exam… hmmm… I never see am o, and I hear learning to use the calculator na exam on hin own… tuffia!

But there’s good news! The good news is that within the last 48 hours, it’s looking like Bae is back, hmmm long story or no story at all sef… Bae’s sha back and head may be able to settle… By extension, we may be back in this exam business… the next 3 days (Friday to Sunday) will help me decide if it’s worth it going in for the 6-hour ordeal or just bone altogether.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about passing or failing, the title stands! However, you don’t want to be tormenting yourself cluelessly for 6 hours. Let it be that there is some idea to mess around with so I can at least enjoy the last stretch of this painful path, the path to failure.

PS: At the end of the day, it's only an exam!

Somebody That I Used To Know

It's another gloomy night, stuck on this Island, literally, I'm forced to reflect on my life (lol), on the things I've been through these past months, or more accurately, the things I've put myself through... a lot of things I learnt, or rather got reminded of. So many are they that I can't attempt to put them down, especially that some remain yet in their embryonic form, still I'll write... as if it makes a difference, I write.

That "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye feat. Kimbra has become one of my best songs (lol). I know neither Gotye nor Kimbra or any of their other songs.

That 2015 has by far been my worst year in a long time, at least on two main fronts, but has apparently been my best year yet :) So I'm thankful.

That most (but not all) people are actually what I've always known people to be, self centered, wicked, vengeful and more and that I can easily become the same.

That there's strength in diversity, but there's also war in differences.

That being similar with another in many respects is great harm as much as it can do a lot of good.

That you are weakest in the areas you think you are strongest, you just need a tiny loophole or grant access to your poison.

That to think you are smart can become a mild form of pride, but to think you are wiser than you really are is the greatest folly.

That I have grown a lot over the years but I still am the same me that I've always known. The ME that only a very few have some idea of :). And that this isn't necessarily a good or a bad thing.

That I've been through a lot in my little life but that there's always been a way out, and there'll always be.

That giving does not mean receiving.

That I cannot blame anyone for what I allowed in my own life.

That I'd remember this someday and smile... smile for good.

That I'll not be getting married anytime soon, or at least, so it seems.

That it's 2130HRS, and I must shutdown.... and be back again soon.

PS: Apologies if this is incoherent or if you don't understand something I've written, trust me, I don't either.

If Only... [Incomplete]

I sit here by myself wondering if  I should post this or not... No, actually, I'm done wondering. I'll post it.

It's nothing serious though, just an incomplete thought in the middle of some emotion... the type you shouldn't feel too often in this short life or the life will become even shorter.

What follows is the interrupted output of a then troubled mind... It was August 13, 2015, a day I stayed off work... probably lying back against the rug, these thoughts rushed through mind...

Yes, it wasn't complete... I had plans to return to this but it never happened, at least until now. Will I ever complete it? I don't think so, probably for the same reason it remained this way for 3 months. That reason? It's called HOPE. Here goes...

If Only...

If only we could go back in time

If only these chapters weren't written

If only we had friends

If only they told us the truth

If only hate wasn't such a bad word

If only it isn't the only word right now

If only we can be friends

If only our friendship wasn't poison

If only we didn't hate our smile

If only our peace didn't bring us pain

If only it wasn't all our fault

If only we didn't do no wrong

If only we wanted real

If only we saw perfection in flaws

If only we weren't totally ignorant

If only we weren't always smart

... ... ...

If only we are not at the end of the road

If only we won't say goodbye

But it is all of this and more

and we have to say goodbye!